Step right up. In this bottle is a remedy of wonderful efficacy. Its curative powers are calculated to remove pain and alleviate human suffering and disease. Distilled 400 feet below the earth’s surface, this remarkable liquid is Mother Nature’s bounteous gift of healing. It is my pleasure – no, it is my duty – to bring this soothing restorative, this blessed ointment, this modern-day balm of Gilead to the public.